For now, my silence buys me a place in the safety of the 99, but as I begin to speak my truth, I step into the vulnerability of that 100th sheep. The shepherds of our church are not really going to come looking for me, though. They say that they will stand with me, but only up until that point where they have to take a stand. Then, they will look away, pretend not to see, say a shamed prayer of petition that I will quietly leave.
I am not the coin of great worth. As this prodigal is walking up the road to her spiritual home, there are no servants of my God running to greet me, to welcome the authentic me home. I will be worshipping in the same house with the family of God, but to many will no longer be known as a sister. I don't know what grace will be afforded me. I don’t know who will be able to accept my reality, my presence, my servanthood.
I do believe that our leaders long to be true to the call and obligations of the kingdom, but the poverty of our spiritual lives limit that response. In the economy of our church today, it is the 99 sheep, not the Good Shepherd, who calculate the worth of the 1. The cost of accepting the truth of the outcast is too high to attempt. We will lose our illusion of unity, we will lose our ignorance of the boundaries we place on God's love, we will lose our status within the kingdom of Christianity.
My shame is that I support this economy as well. I am not willing to endanger the body of Christ to save the outcast, even when it's me. I am painfully aware that my actions and inactions are prolonging the estrangement of my gay brothers and sisters, and I knowingly compromise their worth for the non-confronted comfort of my congregation and denomination.
My prayer is that by becoming visible, I will help the church to better see Christ's this-world redeeming love. In a way, I am the found, seeking to draw the 99 more fully into the Light of God’s grace.
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This is from my journal, from August 2006. I was realizing that my life was taking a turn, that I would be coming out to my church for the first time. I tried to capture a snapshot of my feelings, and how I viewed the realities of being gay in my denomination. Since that time, I have processed my thoughts a bit more. These reflections remain true for me, but more like I'm looking through a wide angle lens. When I zoom in on individual relationships and encounters I can see that the larger picture is indeed moving--although very slowly--in the direction of love and grace.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Luke 15 reflections
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9 comments:
Thanks for your comments. I think that this rings true in most churches for more reasons than you list. Congregations and people in congregations love living inside of their comfort zones and they don't like it when that zone is infringed on. It seems that it is an invasion of their space, if you will. In order for us to bring forth God's kingdom, we need to work in His zone, which far too often, is way outside of our own. Isn't that why we're really here, to make sure that we don't go to eternity by ourselves?
This is powerful journaling here; powerful insight and sense of calling. Kudos.
Wow.. well said, well written. I'm not sure I understand all of it. But I think that says more about me than you. There are some thoughts I have never considered. Thank you for making me think, for challenging me to contemplate further what I thought I knew.
In any event you have a good heart, one that is obviously seeking Jesus, desiring to be all God wants you to be.
Hello Stacie,
Tony Barry writing (late of the CofC web forum). I read your most recent post - "Luke 15 Reflections" - and have sent a copy to my local pastors.
I really want you to know that you are not alone. My wife (she is a lesbian) and I hold you up in absentia. There are people here who are going to know that you (and others like you) are real, and that your situation is just not bloody acceptable to me personally. If the headship of the church feels like washing its hands of you, then maybe it's the turn of the rank and file to accept you.
The Open Door Community of Christ congregation here in Sydney, Australia, is on your side. You are our sister. Hang in there, and consider visiting us sometime.
Regards,
Tony Barry.
Hi, I am in Australia. I think you may remember talking to me along with tony. I go to the open door. I'd be happy to drop you an email sometime. Tony directed me to this url. I have not read all yet so can't say too much.
Hi Stacey,
I am so sorry that I am on the other side of the world and unable to stand with you in your congregation. But I want you to know you are my sister and there are accepting and supportive communities of christ out there. I'm happy to correspond with you whenever you want. With your permission I would like to share 'Luke 15 reflection' with the congregation. And we will uphold you in prayers on Sunday.
Sue Palmer
Hi to the folks in Australia, I am humbled and very much appreciate your support and love across the miles.
My congregation is working through this issue but it is difficult. I have found the vast majority of leaders in this denomination long to be supportive tangibly, but are virtually paralyzed in speaking out on this issue. Most people around here in and out of the church do not think well of gays. In 2004 my state, Ohio, changed our state constitution restricting the rights of the unmarried, and limiting marriage to one man and one woman. I believe it is the harshest in our nation.
I am loved in my congregation, no doubt about that. I am supported b y our leaders, but not in visible ways that might have the potential of increasing the alienation of the faithful. I have hopes that we will be able to move toward deeper understanding and loving, but that movement is slow and the pace is not urgent.
Your words have encouraged me, and your witness of places that do accept all brings me much hope. Thank you all!
Hello Stacie,
The Open Door congregation has been apprised of your situation and reckons you need to get a visa to Australia at your earliest convenience.
As we talked about your blog this evening, several members mentioned that they also felt alienated from God when they came out because their brethren in church ditched them after learning of their orientation. This is not good - no person should feel estranged from God for things thay have no control over.
We avoided discussing the response of leadership in the church ... I think the unvoiced consensus is that the direction for the future with God develops among the grass roots. Personally, I think I cannot ask the traditional leadership to lead the charge ... I might ask them to rubber stamp something which has been shown to be of God, but that's about all. I believe they think they have to keep the general conggregational populace happy, and the only way to do this is to lead from the rear, both temporally and organisationally. I do feel for them; it must be quite galling to be hemmed in by what you think people might be thinking.
Sue is sending out your blog address to the other people in the Open Door so you may get a few comments in the next few days.
Once again, we're thinking of you, and hope you feel loved, even if in absentia.
Regards,
Tony Barry
The Guildford Community of Christ had a discussion after the service this morning, wherein your situation was discussed quite a bit. We read out your original post and (non-gay) people related how they had encounters with God's Spirit which convinced them that the gay ostracism thing was a past tense item in God's agenda.
The Australian attitude is that gender orientation is a personal issue and something that the church prefers not to involve; however it can become something that interferes with real community and open, honest fellowship. In this situation, the church is quite positively inclusive and will prefer to side with the marginalised rather than the pharisee.
One man shared how he was both anti gay and racist, till God spoke to him regarding the issues. He felt called by God to appoint a gay person to the ministry a few years ago, knowing that the person was appropriate for the task. The man who shared has been very proactive in his support for race and gender inclusion in the church.
So Stacie you are becoming a person of some note in the Sydney Community of Christ. I think that the troubles you are going through have some benefit in a kind of roundabout way - people are talking about how they would be inclusive - not just in the gay arena - but also with mental health issues, race, and even the choice of television show you watch (one lady said she watched "Bold and the Beautiful" and you could hear the gasp). I think this has had major benefits to us all here.
It is no fun to you in your isolation, but we can share to some extent in fellowship, even if you are a long way away, and perhaps you can know that your troubles have done some good.
Regards,
Tony Barry
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